My World

Yesterday was a great day over all. I can't remember how the day started exactly. I just remember that Spencer would not eat a thing and cried and cried to be held all morning. I bemoaned the thought of having to yet again call someone to fill in for me at music makers at the last minute. (I was a bit of a procrastinator before I had Spencer so if anyone who knows me is reading this they might think oh she put it off till the last minute.) I swear I am a changed woman or at least I am trying to be.
I am afraid to wake up most days for fear someone will be sick--setting me back for weeks--either Grant, who I would then have to quarantine from Spencer, or Spencer, who I would have to take immediately to the doctor to rule out any chance of infection. Make sure he is eating frequently and doesn't ever have a temp. Additionally, since it is cold and flu season I have to interagate everyone that I am going to spend time with to find out if they are sick if they have been sick if anyone in their family is sick. Are they going to take my children somewhere where sick people are. I guess I wouldn't be so tense about this if the responses were a bit more pleasant. And if it wasn't so darn expensive to be going to the doctor so regularly and even worse spending nights in the hospital. It's sad to say that when Spencer get's sick I am thinking there goes that garbage can with a lid that we need. Goodbye new winter dress, So long ever thinking about buying a house. etc. etc. It's tricky to get the truth out of everyone. Some people don't want to freak me out by telling me that they or one of their kids are sick, some people think it is perfectly fine to go out with sick kids even kids with raging temps and refuse to acknowledge that there are children out their like Spencer who have to be admitted to the hospital when they are sick with a fever vomiting or unable to eat due to congestion sore throat etc. Some people get really upset and defensive if you inquire about illness. Or worse get sick and tired of being with me or talking to me because we are so high maintenance. I know I am sounding like a big complainer I am not complaining I am reporting a story. In the event someone is sick I have to explain to Grant that we can't go. I can't actually ask everyone during cold season to stay home. As a mom it is nearly impossible, I understand that trust me I know you would never get anything done. I am looking at a house of nothing done. Again you may be wondering so why the long winded blog. Family history, therapy, stress reliever, mental organization. So we end up staying home all the time. Which is fine I always have more laundry and dishes to do.

Then if Spencer is sick it always seems to fall when I have another commitment. My most recent ongoing saga has to do with my deteriorating teeth. So apparently breastfeeding your children and going with out milk or calcium supplements is very bad for your teeth. Of course I knew this each and every day that I went with out taking my calcium supplements or drinking milk. And I felt every guilty pang at 2 in the morning when I contemplated the deteriorating state of my bones and teeth but I was just so tired to get up and do anything about it. I am paying the price now. I have two crowns that need to be replaced and Two cavities that are nearing root canal status. I have to do each thing separately which means 5 apt.s counting the initial cleaning and x-ray taking apt. where the good news was discoverered.

Now having heard my explanation of how hard it is to one find a baby sitter and then two keep the apt. Can you imagine my current mental state this morning after yet another night without sleep, and without a babysitter knowing full well I would have to face the wrath of LOri the receptionist again. I am only on appointment # two mind you mind you. I still have at least three more to make. The joys of motherhood. Your choices are between sleep or deteriorating health. Do I eat lunch or clean up that huge gross diaper blow out all over the floor. On and on. I actually could do a better job of planning my time. But here the catch when do you plan your time? Do you either get to plan or sleep, plan or eat.

I felt guilty when I first started blogging but then I realized for one it is a Journal. It is capturing wonderful and not so wonderful experiences we are having that will paint a picture of what are life was like to be cherished by our family and our posterity and plus anyone can tell when they are going over the blogger limit. Like anything if you over do it it just plain feels bad and I don't know about you but I DO NOT LIKE TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BAD especially when I know exactly what is making me feel bad and how to stop. No thanks I prefer to keep the companionship of the holy ghost and forgo that sick empty your priorities are out of order feeling. So I guess I just felt guilty about what others would think. I do that way to much. which leads me to my next point.

So calling to cancel brings out the worst in most people. The receptionist at the Dentist office is one person I dread talking to on days like today when I had a dentist apt. At 7:30 and had to cancel because. I waited till the last minute to get a babysitter since Spencer has been really cranky and not eating well for the past few days. So do I schedule a babysitting apt. with a friend who and have her clear her schedule for me and then cancel with both or do I wait till the last minute to be sure Spencer is well and all lights are green. I just don't know. I also felt guilty yet not last night we went ice skating. I knew in the morning I would have to face the wrath of the dentist receptionist and have to offer an explanation how do you tell someone you are generally overwhelmed and don't know quite how to handle getting a babysitter under such circumstances.

Then how do you tell people that your child is too ill to go to music makers but he can go ice skating outside with his family late at night for 2 hours. It is just too complicated to have to get into it with everyone. I swear I am legit most of the time. Is it legit to cancel if you haven't gotten any sleep and feel like you would be a hazard on the road. Which leads me to another point. If my cupboard is not perfectly stocked at all times with food to take with me in the event of a vomiting flat tire, stranded emergency. Medical letter, Tylenol, Motrin, thermometer, pedialyte, the brat diet in case he starts to vomit and won't tolerate more irritating foods. I know how but when do I organize the planning, shopping, kitchen organization, daily diaper bag cleaning and restocking, laundry, doctor's apts. church calling, playing with kids, showering and getting ready, exercising. etc. etc. I know I need to just pick essential things.

I need to wake up a little earlier than my kids do to restock my spiritual reservoirs, then I would go out for a long run again by myself or with a good friend and when home would then need to quickly and quietly get in the shower with out waking my kids up so I can do what I love more than anything. Get ready from start to finish in silence by myself. Then Ideally I would have time to make breakfast and have the table set before my kids wake up. I would love to be able to set a nice table for breakfast and dinner. Something I am currently unable to do but would bring me a lot of happiness if I could. One of those things that would yield a big return for me personally.

So to make a long story short. I am worried about many things(essential things important things) but only one thing is truly needful...I know when I take the time to draw near unto my Heavenly Father he Will draw near unto me and all that I have been entrusted with will be manageable and I will be filled daily and happy able to do what I have been sent here to do. So here goes. I am going to try again today to prayerfully plan my day and then work work work. I have learned that I can not give from an empty plate but have failed in taking time for myself. I guess because it requires me to ask my husband to do more than he is all ready doing in order for me to get enough sleep, or take a class, or exercise in a real way. Not running in place at scripture time.