Life's Ups and Downs...and Back Ups

I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but it seems our little family has had more than its fair share of struggles for quite a while now. Some of our struggles had to do with various health issues for all members of our family. We have dealt with miscarriages, a metabolic disorder(Spencer), severe allergies, and hospital stays with Spencer.

We have also had our share of rental property problems. It started with the strange mold growth at the Canterbury Court Apartments in Provo. The manager (on the day we came to pick up the keys) actually gave us a diagram describing which doors and windows had to be open in the unit when we showered so we wouldn't cause an overgrowth of mold in our apartment. Mind you this was in Utah (the desert) in the winter time. Then we moved to Kentucky and had a giant killer mushroom growing out of our wall due to a continuous water leak. Between that and the bluish-haze which wafted up from our downstairs neighbors cigars each evening (and the disgusting ant infestation), we moved on as soon as we could. We actually had a very good experience in our next apartment. We ended up staying for about 18 months and then decided to move into a charming little house right across the street from our great friends, the Madsen's. Again, though, we dealt with strange chemical mixes with the new polyurethane application on the hardwood flooring together with the wrong type of paint and the exhaust from the gas furnace failing to escape through the fireplace and pouring instead into the living room. It combined for a horribly sickening smell that lingered for quite a long time. The Madsen's charitably accommodated us one evening at 2:00 am as we were gagging to death and very sleep deprived.

After that experience, we moved to Las Vegas where we were blessed to find another charming home. We soon discovered, however, that the electrical outlets seemed to blow out a few times a month taking a few light bulbs with them each time. Our refrigerator started going out and leaking all over the floor. On four occasions we could have filed a claim with our renter's insurance due to refrigerator's going out because of the faulty wiring or whatever was causing it. We followed through with it the first two or three, but felt too embarrassed to call again with the last episode. ("Um...Hi, this is the Hollands again...We're having trouble with our refrigerator again...Yes, again...Yes, we have spoken with our Landlord again...Yes...We are so sorry...") We experienced a flood (officially, a "slab leak") and had to deal with a life of hotel hopping for three weeks--all while having a baby who was not supposed to be out in public due to potential illness that could put him back in the hospital for ten days and cost us another few thousand dollars (out of pocket, naturally). The health and property problems just seemed to be our lot in life so we pretty much learned to expect problems along those lines. But a few problems surfaced that I was not prepared to deal with.

I have been experiencing another sort of health problem for quite some time without knowing it. This may be way more information than you want to have about me, so, if that is the case, I apologize in advance. But, I have been struggling with several forms of mental illness. It's not the type of thing that's typically discussed -- even among friends, much less public blogs -- so this may be a little shocking to read. I know it is a statement that makes you want to cringe for the writer because it might possibly cross the lines of propriety, but so be it.

All of the aforementioned struggles seem to have brought to the surface a deeper, chronic health problem that needed to be addressed. Needless to say, I have not been the picture of grace and composure during these very stressful and trying experiences. Instead, I have really just lost it...so many times I have just lost it. There's not really any other way to explain it. Looking back with a more healthy (and now somewhat medicated) mind, I am sad, thinking that certain situations could have been prevented. It would be so easy to stay in the past and drown in the sense of guilt I feel for what I have been through and put my family through. But I have come to realize that Heavenly Father has his own timetable for everything...even this sort of thing. I have been praying all along and living as faithfully as an imperfect mother could, however, things were just not working out and all of life's challenges were just utterly overwhelming. I just wasn't equipped to meet these challenges and they really consumed me.

But...these days things are much different. There have been some big changes and I simply can't express my gratitude for what is happening now. I am thrilled with the miracle of medicine, caring and capable health care professionals and counseling techniques that can help along the healing process. I am so grateful for a good Bishop, Relief Society President, encouraging and supportive friends. I have spent so much of my life dealing with my struggles alone and I've been very afraid to let anyone in. But I can't do that anymore (obviously). I can tell you that allowing friends in and those equipped to help has been a tremendous blessing. Burdens are lifted. I think a lot of my strength has come as I open up and share my heart with those around me. I've found within my husband a safe place of refuge and support. We are moving forward arm-in-arm.

I am now focusing on being a healthy person, wife and mother. I don't fret about petty anxiety's or phobias. I have been able to stop caring so much about my image or what people think of me or why they do (or I perceive them doing) certain things to me. I have started doing the things that make me whole; serving, loving, and taking care of my family (and me). I can finally openly laugh. I can enjoy my family. I am not too exhausted from overly obsessive worry by noon each day and I am free to be me. It feels wonderful to be "present" (if you can understand that), emotionally available and strong for the people who are counting on me.

Over the past few months, my husband has started his own private law practice. He is doing well and will be very successful. However, as you might expect, there's a little "get up and running" time as he builds his client base and makes contacts in the community. During this time, I have picked up a few jobs to help out with our expenses. I am happy to be healthy enough to balance the demands of being a wife and mother with the demands of helping with our financial obligations. I most look forward to the moments when I can do what is most fulfilling to me--caring for our family, spending extra time with Grant as he transitions into kindergarten, teaching our sweet Spencer, and truly reaching up to heaven to create an environment where our family can love and grow. The unity that we've recently enjoyed together as a couple is a newfound asset.

I am so grateful to live in this time and in this country. Technology has enabled so many that struggle to reach their full potential in a way that in a previous era may not have been possible. I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for the infinite atonement of his son Jesus Christ that heals and changes me. I am nothing without the Restored Gospel. Really and truly I am nothing. My family would not be intact without it. I would not be intact. And my boys certainly would not receive the blessings they deserve from having a strong, loving, healthy set of parents who work with heaven to raise and love them.

Now, all of that may or may not have been appropriate to share, but it is a true reflection of my heart and gratitude for the many tender mercies I have experienced at the hand of the Lord as I have tried to humble myself and take those painful steps that have enabled me to rest. I feel the love of the Lord around me buoying me up and strengthening me as I try so hard to become who I know I can be and have always dreamt of being--a loving, effective, successful and cherished wife and mother. I hope that my legacy will be one of love and tenderness and not one of instability and stress. For now, I am just taking it one day at a time and thanking my luck stars for my faith, my dear husband, adorable children, wonderful friends, a caring brother and sister, and a great Mom and Dad that love me.